30 Years To My Rock Bottom

I was the girl that always got her way. If I wanted it, I made sure I got it and did whatever it took to make sure it happen. I wasn’t taking no for an answer. I thought I had complete control of my life,…but I didn’t. I hated my life. My dream always was to get out of my life and as far away from everyone who knew me. I was 8 when I vowed that to myself. Now I’m 30, and I got what wanted……I just didn’t weigh in the damage I was doing to my mind body and soul. Most of all I didn’t consider how shattered, damaged, and broken my heart would be getting it all.

I’m also probally the world’s greatest control freak. I figured as long as I stayed in control, no one could ever hurt me. No one could disappoint me again. No one could ever leave me again. No one could ever take advantage of me again. Most of all, no one could ever use me again. I hate the word used. It aggravates me but only because it’s the one word that describes my entire life….. being used was my life. It was the one thing I never could figure out how to control. People using me. I mean really….is there really a definite way to prevent being used when you never see it coming? What about when it’s your own family that used you?

For some people hitting rock is inevitable. Some people are born into their rock bottoms.  I believe in some cases, our parents are the ones who start us on the paths in life towards our rock bottoms. That’s what mine did. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents but that doesn’t mean they were great parents. But I know they did the best they could. But that doesn’t mean that their best was enough for me. It seems like nothing is ever enough through my life. I was always in need of something that never got filled. I never understood exactly what it was that I needed but I’ve always known I needed something that was missing. Crazy right, but it’s so my life. This need would forever haunt me all through life. This would cause me to make choices I never thought or imagined I’d make. It changed me throughout the course of my life…….

 

To be continued. …